An Open Letter to an Anxious Would-Be Traveler...

Han Han
Feb 24, 2019
8 min read

I feel you. I too dream of traversing the furthest reaches of the map, of playing in the snow beneath the Northern Lights, letting my lungs cry out from the peaks of great mountains, diving carefree and thoughtlessly into deep, tropical waters and running, faster than I ever thought I could, through the rolling fields and sloping hills of wild and wonderful landscapes. I too dream of sleeping underneath a lampless sky, nothing but galaxies and infinity above me. I want what you want. I also have the same obstacle that you have.

I'm frightened. I'm frightened to step out into a world that I don't know. To be alone and to not speak the language that I find myself surrounded in. What if I need help? What if something terrible happens to me? What if, what if, what if...

No one could ever accuse me of being a brave person. In truth I would stake good money that if you name a known fear in this world I possess it. Except, absurdly, for snakes. I mean I can hold them at the zoo but I wouldn’t want to find one in my toilet although I suppose I wouldn’t want to find anything in my toilet except water….but I digress. I’m a scaredy cat. I have anxiety and it's specific to my safety. So, anything vaguely risky, freaks me the heck out. So, being the Piglet of my story as much as I wish I were the Tigger, lends me to the utterly misguided opinion that I am the perfect person to encourage you, to do what scares you. Now, bare with me on this, I promise I’m not going to repeat to you that ridiculous adage all of us anxious would-be travellers know and judge, “Go fearlessly in the direction of your dreams.”

I'm sure it's really inspiring to people who aren't controlled by their fears. If we could go fearlessly in any direction, we wouldn't be here right now reading, or in my case writing, a blog post about anxiety. I will not tell you how to go in the direction of your dreams because more than likely, you will take those steps experiencing any number of conflicting and indescribable emotions, which are entirely unique to who you are. What I will tell you, as someone who understands you, is to go. Go in the direction of your dreams with as many terrifying baby steps as it takes.

Occasionally people will tell me that I was brave to fly from Australia to the UK for an interview. I know that's very specific to my own life but I bet you have a similar story. Something you did, that people tell you was brave, but for you that's not what real courage is. You don't see yourself as brave. I did what I did because I could, because I wanted to throw my hand in and at least try. I wouldn't have lost anything if I hadn't got the job. There was no real risk, just the cost of the flight.

I find myself marvelling at people who seem truly fearless. The ones who pack a bag without a second thought. Those who throw the map out the window, who hop on a bus with hardly any money and even less plan. The kind of person who doesn't think twice about a solo sunrise hike. I want to be that person. That strong, bold, fearless, independent person. The one who doesn't need a travel buddy to feel safe. I believe that you feel that way too.

The first tempting solution that occurs to me is that we could travel together...but then what would that fix? That would be a bandaid smoothed recklessly over a much more serious injury. Anxiety is no minor wound and I doubt either of us shall have overcome it in the time it takes for you to read this or me to write it.

When I first visited Paris I was convinced that I would leave not having seen the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because I was there alone and I knew myself. I knew that I'd be too afraid to go out alone at night. I was literally going to the City of Lights and not going to leave my airbnb after dark. Well, I'm happy to say...

I did leave my Airbnb and I have no less than 32 photos of the Eiffel Tower lit up at night as a result 😁😁

Even though I was an anxious mess the first time I stepped out that door into the cool night air, it is now no word of a lie, my favourite thing in the world to do. I spend hours walking through Paris after dark and on my last visit I didn't return to my hostel until midnight.

I had no idea I could feel so content, safe and fulfilled by doing something that once filled me with so much stress and fear. I guess the point I'm trying to make here, as much to myself as to you, is that, you won't know how dangerous something is until you've done it. Now obviously some things are just common sense like, don't walk down alleyways on your own, don't get into cars with strangers (that's literally one of my mum's favourite lines 😂😂) and don't engage with dodgy, aggressive people on the street. They're all no brainers, a tiny amount of rational thinking is all it takes to come to those conclusions. The average person can bare these common sense rules in mind and be on their merry way. Whilst we would hold onto these common sense basics without question but take it further. Avoiding not just the obvious dangers but also the perceived, exaggerated risks of activities we've never even tried.

So for you, my fellow anxious traveler, I shared this story because it's something I only recently remembered and it gave me immense hope. Today I can do something that a few months ago, on the very first day I stepped foot in Paris, I didn't think I could do.

This fact leads me to believe something very powerful, Anxiety can be proven wrong. And somehow, once this has happened, the fear goes away.

This process does require a certain amount of courage, I don't deny that. You have to take that first, fearful step. Returning to our new and improved adage, "Go in the direction of your dreams with as many terrifying baby steps as it takes", they will be terrifying but they don't need to be big. Mine definitely weren't. It wasn't too late, probably about eight o'clock and I was staying in a busy area, lots of restaurants and bars around me, safe as houses to take a nighttime stroll. However, as the night went on and my feet kept going, I found myself in quieter areas, by no means abandoned but less busy. I took more and more small, calculated "risks" and found myself walking over bridges and down streets that hardly anyone else was on. In fact I was annoyed when other people were too close by because it felt like they were invading my very personal moment and that fragment of time was deeply personal. I had achieved a great level of pride by doing something that was unthinkable in the days prior and found an immense love for it. It was more than just conquering a fear which is stirring regardless, it was finding a part of myself that I didn't know existed. Finding a joy and a desire to keep doing a thing that scared me so much initially. I don't know how many hours I walked around for but that small instant in the span of my life is to this day, one of my most treasured memories and knowing that there are parts of me that, even at 23, I didn't know I had, just hiding behind the walls of my anxiety makes me want to tear them down even more.

So, I'd like to suggest that we use "Go in the direction of your dreams with as many terrifying baby steps as it takes", as something of a mantra.

If your dreams are like mine, maybe you feel like you are a world away from booking a solo trip anywhere. That's okay, my hope for you is that one day, you will not be so frightened by that idea.

Maybe you could start with a solo weekend to a place not so far away, maybe only a few hours from home. Then you get all the benefits of taking a solo trip, but you're still in the same country, still surrounded by your own language and in a more familiar landscape and society.

We all know that friends aren't always available, the travel fund fairy doesn't bless everyone's lives at the same time. You will find yourself desperate to visit some beautiful dot on our enormous world one day and you won't have a friend to take with you. I hope when that day comes, dependent on the dot, your own good sense and what your soul whispers to you in that moment, that you do not let a cruel, controlling thought process hold your feet in place.

You deserve to see this,

and this,

and these...

I don't expect that anxiety is something we shall all be completely free of one day but perhaps it is something that we can learn to limit and give less power to. I'm not saying book a solo trip to Africa or the Middle East tomorrow, but maybe if we first address that our "what if..." scenarios exist only in our minds and then discover that our desire to breath new air and fix our eyes on fairer sights is stronger and more demanding, we can take those few, fearful but proud steps towards our dreams.

I hope that one day you get to have your moment. Your walking-alone-in-Paris-at-night moment. Whatever that is for you. May you surprise yourself and be proud of your great achievement however small it may appear to others. Have that quiet, beautiful experience of finding a piece of yourself you didn't know was there and allow the experience to light you up inside. I hope you feel all the sense of pride and fulfilment that I did when you knock down the walls of your anxiety.

I can see you swinging, care free, from the branches of enormous trees, laughing at the base of towering waterfalls and stargazing under an endless night sky. I hope you get to play in the snow beneath the northern lights, with or without the comfort of a travel companion. I hope that you get to shout at the top of your lungs from the peaks of great mountains and I hope you get to run, race and revel in the wild and wonderful landscapes of this great earth.

I hope we both do.

May you swim in deep waters and soar to great heights.

Love, Han Han x

P.S

Collected below are some of my favourite quotes for when you find yourself in need of some good inspiration porn. When your anxiety is trying to hold you back there's nothing like a good mantra, my go to is normally, "The things in my head can't hurt me." but these are far catchier and travel related 😜